Adoption The Other Option
A testimonial website for those who have placed for adoption and for those who are pregnant and considering their options.
Amanda - Birth Mom - Placed a Baby Boy for adoption in 2005 through LDS Family Services / www.itsaboutlove.org
My name is Amanda, and I placed my son for adoption in 2005. When I found out I was pregnant, I was engaged. Life seemed to be taking its place in the way I wanted it to. I told my mom I was pregnant, and not even a week later, I found out that that man I loved wasn't the man I thought he was ( a lot of lies and deception). So, I called off the wedding immediately. I still hadn't told my dad I was pregnant, and was terrified to do so. To my amazement, he was very loving and understanding. My mom sat me down and said that our church recommends adoption when marriage isn't possible. The second she said it, I knew that was what I wanted to do. I had no question in my mind that I was going to do what was best for my baby, no matter how much it hurt me. At that point I decided that I didn't want to see my baby, or know what I was having, and just make it a "clean break".
I wasn't living in the same state as my parents when this all happened. I had to break the news to my siblings, and when I did so, my sister and brother-in-law immediatley offered to let me live with them through the pregnancy. My sister had 2 daughters under the age of 5 and soon after I moved in, she found out she was pregnant as well. For me this was hard, being pregnant, not married, and being an example to my neices I never wanted to be. Things had an order, and the kids understood that I didn't follow it. I received tons of questions, and it was hard to explain it in a way that they would understand and know that this isn't the kind of path they would want to follow.
A few weeks after I moved back home, I went to LDS Family Services, where I met with a social worker who was a license and trained therapist. I told her I'd already made my decision. She said not to make my mind up so quickly and to make sure I'd considered all my options (parenting, marriage, adoption). I then repeated, I'd made my decision and I won't change my mind and that I wanted a closed adoption (no contact). She proceeded to tell me I may change my mind on that as well. She referred me to look at couples on their website, www.itsaboutlove.org and so I did. I couldn't believe how many couples I found that couldn't have children and had been trying for so many years. It confirmed to me that I was doing the right thing.
Over the course of my pregnancy I would meet with my social worker once a week at their offices. We discussed my pregnancy, how I was feeling emotionally, physically, spiritually. Luckily for me, there was a group of girls that had either just placed or were about to place. We had group every week. We were able to discuss all the different aspects of the placement process. The different steps of emotion (very painful emotion) that you go through was the most beneficial for me. I decided after hearing these girls talk that I wasn't going to refer to my baby as mine. I always referred to him as baby or their baby. It really helped me feel at peace with my decision.
Throughout this process, I had to keep communication with the birth father. He was okay with the placement of adoption as long as I kept this contact and let him believe there was a chance we'd get back together. I went to the doctors for the first time (around 4 months along), and I was able to have an ultra-sound on my first visit where I found out I was having a boy. The birth father helped me pick a couple, he met with a social worker of his own through the same offices, so he knew what the proceedure would be. Before I could place my baby, he would have to sign his parental rights away, and this proved to be a difficult task for a few months, but eventually he did so. Once we notified the couple that they had been chosen, we met. I decided to meet them before a doctors appointement so they could join me. My couple couldn't have children of their own, so I wanted to make sure they had every experience of child birth that I could possibly provide. My doctor was suprised by my decision, but offered to do an extra ultra-sound the following month so the couple could see and receive a recorded video of the ultra-sound. Over the next few months I kept in contact with the adoptive parents through email. I updated them on little things that were going on in my life, but mostly about the pregnancy and any funny things that happened with that. Doing this allowed me to accept them as the parents. I felt a bond, and family bond, that really helped me emotionally deal with my decision. We'd discussed different views of parenting, names, how open we wanted the adoption to be, etc. To my suprise, I was changing my mind, I wanted to know them, to know my baby, so we decided to have an open adoption. I recieved letters every week for the first 2 months, and once a month after that for the first year. After that it would be whatever we worked out between the 3 of us.
When the time came for me to have them baby, I had my social worker contact the adoptive parents to come to the hospital immediately. I wanted them their for the birth. I wanted my sons mom to experience the birth of her first born. She helped me push, gave kind words of encouragement and she was truly amazing. The dad of course only got to hear all of this from behind a curtain. There was no way I was going to let him see all that! After 5 failed attempts to insert an IV, 2 epiderals (1 failed) and 2 hours of pushing (10 hour labor), my son was born. 8lbs8oz and 19.5 in long. He was beautiful! Right after he was out, the nurse took him to his station where his adpoptive dad (with his back to me) was able to help clean him up, cut the cord, and put the first diaper on. I watch them and was so happy. They were in tears, and were chatting with me about how perfect he was. Once I was all patched up, his mom brought him over to me. I didn't want to hold him, I just wanted to watch her hold him. I wanted to see how they interacted as parents. I made sure that my sons mom had a parent bacelet so she could take him to and from the nursery. They stayed by my side the 2 days I was in the hospital. I was able to watch them and visit with them, truly get to know them in person. We gawked at our perfect baby and knew nothing was more precious. (Various people came to visit me and the majority of my family too, it felt really natural)
The morning of my release from the hospital, I decided to get up before visiting hours to go get my son for some one on one (I hadn't had any one on one yet). I wanted to tell him myself why I was placing him into the arms of another to be raised. My sweet little boy was so cute, and perfectly pink (great skin!). I picked him up and kissed his face and told him how much I loved him. I knew that his parents were going to do great, better than I could. I knew that he would be provided for in a way that I couldn't, not just financially, but in other ways. He would have a father that would actually be there for him, teach him and help mold his precious life.
After about an hour of holding him and talking to him, his parents came and it was almost time for discharge. His parents brought me a "leaving the hospital" gift that came in handy (the clothes I brought didn't fit). I had to complete some paperwork for his release from the hospital and we all wheeled out together. My dad and my brother with his family were there to meet us. We took a family photo, made some small talk and then it was time to say goodbye. I held my son as we walked to the car. I hugged him one more time and gave him a big kiss, smiled through my tears and placed him into his mother's arms. His parents both hugged me hard, and kissed me. They knew how hard this was for me and were very compassionate.
After they were gone, I had to sign my own parental rights away and did so right outside the hospital. I went home with my dad, and my mom was waiting. At that moment, I felt empty. I came home with nothing to show for what I'd just experienced. I held out my arms to my mom (showing her I had nothing), she cried and said "I know" and held me. Over the next few months, life was really, really hard. I kept a good face most of the time, but I was hurting inside. It probably took a little over a year until I was doing pretty good.
I have a great relationship with my son's parents. We talk often, share pictures, stories and visit once a year. I've met most of the extended family (aunts, uncles, grandparents). I truly feel part of the family. I went from wanting nothing more than to just place my baby, to having an extended family. I'm in love with my son! He amazes me everyday. His parents amaze me everyday! My decision to place my son for adoption has truly blessed my son, his parents, and ME!
Sincerely,
Amanda
You may email Amanda directly with any questions at amanda@adoptiontheotheroption.com
I wasn't living in the same state as my parents when this all happened. I had to break the news to my siblings, and when I did so, my sister and brother-in-law immediatley offered to let me live with them through the pregnancy. My sister had 2 daughters under the age of 5 and soon after I moved in, she found out she was pregnant as well. For me this was hard, being pregnant, not married, and being an example to my neices I never wanted to be. Things had an order, and the kids understood that I didn't follow it. I received tons of questions, and it was hard to explain it in a way that they would understand and know that this isn't the kind of path they would want to follow.
A few weeks after I moved back home, I went to LDS Family Services, where I met with a social worker who was a license and trained therapist. I told her I'd already made my decision. She said not to make my mind up so quickly and to make sure I'd considered all my options (parenting, marriage, adoption). I then repeated, I'd made my decision and I won't change my mind and that I wanted a closed adoption (no contact). She proceeded to tell me I may change my mind on that as well. She referred me to look at couples on their website, www.itsaboutlove.org and so I did. I couldn't believe how many couples I found that couldn't have children and had been trying for so many years. It confirmed to me that I was doing the right thing.
Over the course of my pregnancy I would meet with my social worker once a week at their offices. We discussed my pregnancy, how I was feeling emotionally, physically, spiritually. Luckily for me, there was a group of girls that had either just placed or were about to place. We had group every week. We were able to discuss all the different aspects of the placement process. The different steps of emotion (very painful emotion) that you go through was the most beneficial for me. I decided after hearing these girls talk that I wasn't going to refer to my baby as mine. I always referred to him as baby or their baby. It really helped me feel at peace with my decision.
Throughout this process, I had to keep communication with the birth father. He was okay with the placement of adoption as long as I kept this contact and let him believe there was a chance we'd get back together. I went to the doctors for the first time (around 4 months along), and I was able to have an ultra-sound on my first visit where I found out I was having a boy. The birth father helped me pick a couple, he met with a social worker of his own through the same offices, so he knew what the proceedure would be. Before I could place my baby, he would have to sign his parental rights away, and this proved to be a difficult task for a few months, but eventually he did so. Once we notified the couple that they had been chosen, we met. I decided to meet them before a doctors appointement so they could join me. My couple couldn't have children of their own, so I wanted to make sure they had every experience of child birth that I could possibly provide. My doctor was suprised by my decision, but offered to do an extra ultra-sound the following month so the couple could see and receive a recorded video of the ultra-sound. Over the next few months I kept in contact with the adoptive parents through email. I updated them on little things that were going on in my life, but mostly about the pregnancy and any funny things that happened with that. Doing this allowed me to accept them as the parents. I felt a bond, and family bond, that really helped me emotionally deal with my decision. We'd discussed different views of parenting, names, how open we wanted the adoption to be, etc. To my suprise, I was changing my mind, I wanted to know them, to know my baby, so we decided to have an open adoption. I recieved letters every week for the first 2 months, and once a month after that for the first year. After that it would be whatever we worked out between the 3 of us.
When the time came for me to have them baby, I had my social worker contact the adoptive parents to come to the hospital immediately. I wanted them their for the birth. I wanted my sons mom to experience the birth of her first born. She helped me push, gave kind words of encouragement and she was truly amazing. The dad of course only got to hear all of this from behind a curtain. There was no way I was going to let him see all that! After 5 failed attempts to insert an IV, 2 epiderals (1 failed) and 2 hours of pushing (10 hour labor), my son was born. 8lbs8oz and 19.5 in long. He was beautiful! Right after he was out, the nurse took him to his station where his adpoptive dad (with his back to me) was able to help clean him up, cut the cord, and put the first diaper on. I watch them and was so happy. They were in tears, and were chatting with me about how perfect he was. Once I was all patched up, his mom brought him over to me. I didn't want to hold him, I just wanted to watch her hold him. I wanted to see how they interacted as parents. I made sure that my sons mom had a parent bacelet so she could take him to and from the nursery. They stayed by my side the 2 days I was in the hospital. I was able to watch them and visit with them, truly get to know them in person. We gawked at our perfect baby and knew nothing was more precious. (Various people came to visit me and the majority of my family too, it felt really natural)
The morning of my release from the hospital, I decided to get up before visiting hours to go get my son for some one on one (I hadn't had any one on one yet). I wanted to tell him myself why I was placing him into the arms of another to be raised. My sweet little boy was so cute, and perfectly pink (great skin!). I picked him up and kissed his face and told him how much I loved him. I knew that his parents were going to do great, better than I could. I knew that he would be provided for in a way that I couldn't, not just financially, but in other ways. He would have a father that would actually be there for him, teach him and help mold his precious life.
After about an hour of holding him and talking to him, his parents came and it was almost time for discharge. His parents brought me a "leaving the hospital" gift that came in handy (the clothes I brought didn't fit). I had to complete some paperwork for his release from the hospital and we all wheeled out together. My dad and my brother with his family were there to meet us. We took a family photo, made some small talk and then it was time to say goodbye. I held my son as we walked to the car. I hugged him one more time and gave him a big kiss, smiled through my tears and placed him into his mother's arms. His parents both hugged me hard, and kissed me. They knew how hard this was for me and were very compassionate.
After they were gone, I had to sign my own parental rights away and did so right outside the hospital. I went home with my dad, and my mom was waiting. At that moment, I felt empty. I came home with nothing to show for what I'd just experienced. I held out my arms to my mom (showing her I had nothing), she cried and said "I know" and held me. Over the next few months, life was really, really hard. I kept a good face most of the time, but I was hurting inside. It probably took a little over a year until I was doing pretty good.
I have a great relationship with my son's parents. We talk often, share pictures, stories and visit once a year. I've met most of the extended family (aunts, uncles, grandparents). I truly feel part of the family. I went from wanting nothing more than to just place my baby, to having an extended family. I'm in love with my son! He amazes me everyday. His parents amaze me everyday! My decision to place my son for adoption has truly blessed my son, his parents, and ME!
Sincerely,
Amanda
You may email Amanda directly with any questions at amanda@adoptiontheotheroption.com
It's About Love |
If you are facing an unplanned pregnancy, you probably have a lot of questions about your options and resources. We encourage you to contact one of our offices for additional assistance or call 1-800-573-2229. |
Amanda Recommends This Book & CD
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Perhaps the most requested song from Michael McLean is his beloved adoption song "From Gods Arms to My Arms to Yours." Now anyone in the adoption process- birth mothers and their families as well as adoptive parents and their families- will treasure this beautiful, heartfelt gift book with CD. Along with the title song the book and CD also include "The Gift We Could Not Give Each Other," written from the perspective of the adoptive parents; "Yours," the imagined words of an adopted child; and two brand-new songs: "Hardest for Me" and "There is Hope Hiding There." /WST.aspx |
